Insensitivity and Intent – How should it be handled?

A friend of mine sent this email to a group of her friends in the Special Needs Community and we’d really like to hear your opinions on this issue:

I have slightly edited the email to protect her privacy – her words are in quotes.

We “were attending a gathering Saturday night in a room of about 100 people when a gentleman handed the microphone to another gentleman (here, I use the term loosely) and made the off handed joke… “don’t mind him, he rode in here today on the little yellow bus”. Of course he thought he was funny and people laughed.

But I was sitting there fuming. This gentleman KNEW” my son “was there, in fact a little while before, he acknowledged his presence to everyone in the room into the microphone.

I ask you friends, am I being too sensitive about someone thinking to use a phrase like this publicly is acceptable? In front of my special needs son?

My gut instinct tells me to write a scathing letter to this !*!# (oops, gentleman) and the organization to which this event he represented.

But, I let my anger flow to you. Has this happened to you before? How did you handle it.
One of” my husband’s supervisor’s “used this same phrase once directly to him, KNOWING we have a special needs son. He was quite upset, just like me. Are people/adults really this insensitive?

Your reply determines how I approach this situation.”

I have never heard this term before but apparently I am in the minority.”

One mother replied:

“I agree–it’s very insensitive and you would be performing a much needed educational lesson to the “gentleman” and his organization to let him know how insensitive and offensive his joke is.  I’ve been hearing that particular phrase a lot lately so I think it’s a popular way of saying I’m a little off today.  I feel like responding with “I’ve been in the boardroom too long today with the deadhead execs”  as a ways of voicing my lack of  brain cell activity for the day.
You go girl!  Let ‘em have it!”

A father replied:

“I don’t believe that you are being overly sensitive, this phrase hits those of us directly associated with “Special Needs” family members close to the heart.  On the other hand, this is a phrase that has been around since “Hector was a Pup” and I am sure that it rolled off of the tongue without a thought of offending anyone.  Please understand, I am not condoning, in my opinion, a major error in judgment.  Unfortunately there are a lot of idiots walking among us.  Just recently our own President, another idiot, referred to his Bowling skill level equal to “Special Olympics” on National TV.  I have no idea where you were on Saturday evening or what organization was hosting, but I believe that I would send them a brief note to let them know that you thought the comment was inappropriate.  I would just be cautious not to come off angry, but more concerned.”

I received this email yesterday and I’ve been mulling it around ever since. Here’s the thought process I have been going through:

I’m torn between the Mother Lioness in me and my logical self. The Mother Lioness is completely offended and hurt as it would be if this had happened to my child.

But the scales are tipping a bit in the direction of my logical self – consider this:
What was this gentleman’s intent? Was it to offend this family? It doesn’t seem like it. Was it to cover his nervousness in front of a crowd? Perhaps. Was it to entertain, not by making fun but simply to enjoy making people laugh and have fun? Perhaps.

And at the end of the day – what does it matter?

It matters that we take a stand. It matters that we let people know that this is a hurtful thing to say.

But – if we attack, are we not as guilty as they of showing insensitivity? Would it not be kinder to, as the father who replied suggested, write a brief note out of concern.

It is important that we stand together to educate and inform for that is the only way we will have a completely integrated, inclusive and diverse society. If we respond to negativity with negativity we will get negativity. But respond to negative with positive, with compassion and kindness, and we will receive it back. That’s progress I can live with and so can my Autistic Son.

I suppose for me, the bottom line (I can’t believe I’m saying this!) is that my Mother was right: It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.

What do you think?

Sandy, AKA Matthew’s Mom