On A Personal Note | Our Special Families Village

On a Personal Note – Suppressing my Mom Gene

I’ve written several posts on Matthew’s transition from childhood to adulthood and what it’s like considering his special needs. Matthew is growing up even though it doesn’t look the same as it does for other young adults. So we adjust where we need to and create our own road map as we go.

The challenge is, how to give him as much independence as he wants and he can handle.

These two are not always the same.

For example, Matthew remembers what he sees (everything he sees!) and knows his way around town. He is an experienced SMAT bus rider and has been all over town with his class in High School and at Hill House. When he wanted to start riding the bus to and from home and we all (family and IEP Team) felt he was ready. It’s a straight shot, no transfers, from the bus stop by Hill House to our house so we started with the ride home. Tod, his instructor, had ridden the route with him and then Matthew walked him to our house to show him he knew the way. Then Tod watched from his car a couple of times as Matthew went to the bus stop on his own and got on the bus. Tod called me to tell me he was on the bus and when Matthew got home, he called Tod to tell him he had arrived.

We know the buses can be a bit unreliable so Matthew doesn’t always arrive home at the same time. He can walk in the door any time between 3:15 and 3:45 but he’s never later than that. He has a cell phone and has been told to call if the bus leaves late. Sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn’t. So I’ll call him periodically to check in and he’s always fine.

All went very smoothly for a few weeks.

Then one day Matthew was late. I called him but he didn’t answer. I texted him, no response. I called again and still no answer. I called his Dad to see if I had forgotten some change in plans. Nope, no change.

I opened the front door to go out to the bus stop thinking that maybe others were waiting and the bus was just really late, when Matthew walked up. We were having an unusual streak of hot weather and he was sweating like he had just run a 10K.

He told me the bus had run out of gas so he had to walk home about ⅔ of the way. Excuse me? I know the bus didn’t run out of gas but it must have stopped for a prolonged period of time. Matthew just thought to himself, well, the bus has stopped and I need to get home so he got out and walked.

I’m glad he is so resourceful, well, kinda glad, sometimes.

When something doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to he usually comes up with his own Plan B. The problem is that he doesn’t think about creating a Plan B that involves anyone else. He didn’t think, OK, I need to call Mom and let her know what’s going on. He doesn’t think “outside himself”. He just figured out what to do on his own. I really don’t have a problem with this, except it was so hot and he didn’t have any water. If we were having “normal” weather and he said he wanted to walk, I would have said OK. I would know his route and about how long it should take him. As it was, I expected him to be on the bus and if he hadn’t shown up and I had to go find him, I would have been contacting the bus company, not looking for him to be walking.

The point is that he can take care of himself. But he’s not so good at communicating so I know when something unexpected has happened. And that’s not a good thing. So we have two new rules – 1. He calls everyday when he gets on the bus. 2. He calls everyday when he gets off the bus and is walking home. I know if something happens to change this routine he may or may not call. But I also know that if he doesn’t call within that window of time, then something is up. It helps to narrow things down a bit.

My “Mom Gene” has been on overdrive trying to balance letting him be as independent as possible and still keeping him safe.

It’s a thin line sometimes.

Filed Under: On A Personal Note Tagged With: Advocacy, Parenting Special Needs Kids

Who Protects the Bullied?

By Sandra Leave a Comment

The Santa Maria Times ran a story about The Santa Ynez school districts bringing an anti-bullying program called Rachel’s Challenge to the students.

I hope the school districts here in the Santa Maria Valley do it too. It’s definitely needed. Not only to teach students but to educate the educators.

When Matthew was in the 8th grade he was bullied most of the year by another Special Ed Student. This student was put in on campus suspension several times but I never knew about the bullying until the end of the year. Matthew came home with the knee torn out of he jeans and a badly skinned knee. He told me that he was playing around with his friends and fell. It happens. I didn’t think anything of it until the following weekend.

We went out to the movies and dinner with Matthew’s two best buddies to celebrate my birthday. At dinner they told me all about the bullying.

All three of them were being bullied. Matthew’s two buddies understood what was happening but Matthew didn’t. To him, anyone interacting with him was a friend. He didn’t know the difference between nice and mean. Especially since this kid didn’t seem to get into any trouble that Matthew could see.

Matthew’s buddies told me that when he fell it was because the bully was on top of one of his friends and hurting him. He wouldn’t get off so Matthew pulled him off and the bully pushed him down while the third friend went for a teacher.

I drilled the boys thoroughly over dinner and then that evening I spoke with one of the Mothers. She was shocked that I didn’t know. She knows Matthew and understood that he did not understand what was really happening but was surprised that the school had not said anything.

Me too.

On Monday morning I called and spoke with the Vice-Principle and found out that indeed this had been going on. When I asked, somewhat incredulously, why I hadn’t been notified, I was told that they could not violate the other student’s (the bully) confidentiality.

Excuse me?

So my son gets harassed and pushed around and eventually hurt because they were protecting the bully.

Who was protecting my son?

No one.

Lesson learned. Now on to High School.

Toward the end of Matthew’s freshman year he tells me that the bully is now in another Special Ed class and that they spend a lot of time with this class.

I immediately met with Matthew’s teacher and explained the situation to her. She understood and promised to keep a close eye on the situation. I believe she did and we didn’t have any further problems with the bully.

We had another problem.

The bullying situation came up several times in conversations between Matthew and his buddies and his teacher. She always brushed it aside and said they should just forget about it. You know, forgive and forget.

OK, I agree with the forgive part but not the forget part. Matthew and his buddies used the bullying incidents as reference points in conversation. They often use one situation as a metaphor for explaining and understanding another. So when we would talk to them about safety on campus, Matthew would pipe up and say, “So we don’t get bullied like we did with John.” (not his real name) Matthew’s teacher would always say things like, oh, you need to just forget about that.

There are a couple of problems with that. Matthew started to question whether he was the one who had done something wrong. He also became unsure what to do when bullied because his teacher had told him to just forget about it. Yes, she had told him to tell a teacher if it happened but he became confused by what he saw as conflicting information.

I kept a close eye on Matthew’s relationships with the other students. He ran Cross Country and Track and had 2 regular ed classes so he was out and about on campus a lot. It was gratifying to see a large number of the kids keep an eye out for him and my concerns for his safety became the same sort that every Mom has.

The point of my telling you all of this is that we must not forget. We can’t sweep problems under the rug and hope they will go away. Yes, we must teach forgiveness but if our child learns by remembering an event and then applying it to a new situation, then we can’t forget.

And we need to know that those we trust to care for our children are truly listening to what they say. That they are dealing with situations honestly and openly. That they aren’t just taking the easy way out so they don’t have to talk about difficult subjects.

Have you dealt with similar situations? I’d like to hear your feedback, just leave a comment below. Thanks.

I have this theory that if one person can go out of their way to show compassion then it will start a chain reaction of the same.

- Rachel Scott

The first student shot at Columbine. Rachel’s Challenge was started by her Father. Check it out at RachelsChallenge.org.

Filed Under: Food For Thought, On A Personal Note, Parenting Information and Resources Tagged With: Advocacy, bullying, Parenting Special Needs Kids, Special Education

The TDaP Vaccine – What They Aren’t Telling You

By Sandra 4 Comments

I’ve been doing a slow burn about this and I just can’t keep it in any longer. Last night I got yet another voice message from the school district about the requirement for kids in 7th – 12th grades to be immunized against Whooping Cough and get the TDaP (Diphteria, Tetanus, and Pertussis) vaccine. The message stated that the immunization is required and that students will not be allowed to attend school without it.

This is not true.

Before I explain that let me state that I am not anti-vaccine. I am against the way they are currently administered. I am against dictating to parents that they have their kids immunized without educating them about all options and alternatives. I am against implying that there are no options and alternatives by only providing partial information (My mother would call this a lie of omission – still a lie).

I would also like to say that I do not lay the blame for Matthew’s Autism on vaccines. I do believe that they may be one of the variables that collided to cause it. Matthew was born early and suffered respiratory distress. I suspect there are some family members who may have been on the Autism spectrum somewhere. I also think that the vaccines may have been a trigger. When I watch early videos of Matthew he clearly digresses and he did receive vaccines during that period of time. He had an ear infection when he received that vaccine, too. Makes me wonder.

I explain all of this so that you have an understanding of why I feel so strongly about the “requirement” that students get the TDaP vaccine.

Here are my concerns:

1. The claim is that there is a Whooping Cough epidemic. So why are they using the TDaP vaccine that includes Tetanus and Diphtheria?

2. Matthew hasn’t had so much as a cold in years. He has not been exposed to Whooping Cough. If he is exposed then I will keep him quarantined until the incubation period has passed and he has medical clearance to return. This is a requirement of the school and I have no problem with it, it is common sense.

3. The law states that parents may choose to not have their kids vaccinated based on personal beliefs or they may get a statement from a doctor stating that the vaccine is not safe due to medical circumstances. But they don’t tell you this in any of the information they send home, give in phone calls, in the news or anywhere. You really have dig to find it.

And this last point is my biggest concern. I listened to the message last night very carefully. At no point was it mentioned that a waiver was available. It stated clearly that students without the TDaP vaccine would not be allowed to attend school. There is a bigger issue here than a Whooping Cough epidemic and required vaccines.

Here is a link explaining the Personal Beliefs exemption and a link to the waiver form (for personal beliefs or a Doctor’s exemption).

Agree or disagree? I’d love to hear your thoughts. You can either leave a comment or send me an email via the Contact page.