Our Special Families Village

I’ve always claimed I didn’t care what others thought about me but the truth is, I did.

And now I don’t.

Especially my parenting.

I no longer care if other people judge my parenting. And I won’t judge theirs. It took me a looonnnngggg time to get to this place but I can tell you this – if you can let go of caring what others think, people who love and support you will show up in your life.

Matthew Age 6

My Son, Matthew has Autism and went through his “terrible twos” when he was six – with six-year-old size and six-year-old strength. Like many Mothers of Special Needs Children, I too have a story of the temper tantrum in public to share.

I’ll never forget it.

I can close my eyes and see it as though it was yesterday. We had just gone to the grocery store and I was going through the produce section. I don’t know what what set Matthew off, but all of a sudden he was having a complete meltdown. He had been sitting in the basket portion of the shopping cart and was now kicking and screaming as though someone was beating him up. I knew that the more I tried to calm him down the more upset he would get.

There were lot’s of other Moms with their kids shopping at the time; all staring at us and whispering. No really. All of them. Staring and whispering. At my son. At me. At us.

Well at least it felt that way. I mean, here was a child who appeared to be old enough to behave better. My then 7 ½-year-old Daughter was with us so clearly I wasn’t a rookie Mom and “should have known better” than to allow my child to behave in such a manner.

I knew that there was nothing I could do to help Matthew except keep him safe and keeping him safe was not having him try to throw himself out of a shopping cart.

I had to weigh several options

1. How to keep my daughter safe when she was sitting in the seat of the shopping cart.
2. Should I try to complete my shopping when Matthew was a whirling dervish in the basket section?
3. If I chose to leave, how could I safely navigate out of the store and to the car with him kicking and screaming?
4. Should I just try and find a quiet corner of the store where I could just let it play out?

I chose Option #4.

Amid all the stares from the other Moms and their Kids and all the whispers and all pointing fingers I simply went to the back of the store near where the bathrooms are removed Elisabeth from the cart so she could sit quietly in a chair and then simply let Matthew straighten himself out.

I was sad for my crying child and fearful, trying to protect my other child, mortified and embarrassed and a whole host of other emotions, including angry at the world, at Matthew and at anybody and everybody who I could think of to be angry with.

That afternoon as I watched my Angel sleeping during his nap, I decided that none of those other people mattered. I would not give them the power to embarrass me. I would not give them the power to hurt me. I would not give them the power to make me angry. I would not give them the power to rob me of my peace of mind.

But could I help my Daughter get to this place?

Elisabeth was no longer taking naps at this age so she was having a snack. I went into the kitchen and had a very frank, rather adult conversation with her. I tried to explain her brother to her. I don’t know if she understood. She clearly was not happy with the situation and having to deal with her brother who was, in her eyes, misbehaving didn’t sit well with her. I tried to explain it as best I could and over the years I think she’s really come to understand. I think over the years she’s learned a lot from him in that he doesn’t judge people and he doesn’t care if they judge him, at least on any level that we can see.

I know I’ve learned a lot from him in that regard and I no longer judge people or at least I try not to. And I truly no longer care if they judge me because I know that what they’re judging isn’t me it’s what they’re seeing and their picture is not a complete one.

So judge away world. Who cares?